The Boob Tube
Recently someone felt compelled to quote some comedian or other at me, something about how people who don't watch TV feel the need to mention it at least once during every conversation. They seemed to think that it's a mark of us non-TV people's pretension, as if we think we are superior in some way to TV watchers and we have to rub it in.
Allow me to retort. In actual fact, we have to mention this to you several times because you can't seem to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around what you saw on the Idiot Box last night. If we don't say "I don't watch TV," we'd have to have the following conversation every. God. Damned. Day.:
TV person: "Oh my god, did you see 24 last night?!?1!!11one!!!!eleventyone!"
Me: "No."
TV person: "Oh, let me tell you about it since you missed it, it was really good!"
Me: "No, really, that's okay."
TV person: "Oh, did you Tivo it?"
Me: "No."
TV person:"You really should have! Oh, did you catch the last episode of American Idol? Can you believe Skanky McTalentless didn't win that round? I mean, come on, she's such a sweetheart!"
Me: "No. Not, 'no I can't believe Tarty O'Caterwaul didn't win anything for her ululating rendition of some random bit of pop drivel,' but rather, 'no, I didn't catch that, or any other episode of American Idol, a show which should, by rights, only be popular with the sort of people who compete in karoake contests in bars attached to bowling alleys.'"
TV person: "]Random bit of nonesense delivered in crappy attempt at a British accent.]"
Me: *blank look with slight emphasis on the eyebrows that expresses a concern for TV person's mental health and a slight head tilt that offers to help them find a reputable counselor*
TV Person: "Uh, you don't watch Family Guy, either, huh?"
So, you see, we have to preempt the entire thing by telling you up front that we don't watch TV. Then, of course, we have to have THIS conversation with you:
Me: "I don't watch TV."
TV person: "What?"
Me: "I don't watch TV. I don't own one. Haven't had one in years."
TV person: "How do you liiiiiiiiivvvveeeeee?????!!!!11!!1!!one!!!1!!onethousandonehundredeleven!!!!!"
Me: "Uh, I live just fine."
TV person: "That's so weird...you should totally watch Family Guy, though, I have season one on DVD, I'll loan it to you."
Alright, already, I'll fucking watch some Family Guy, I will, really, it's on my list of things to do. Yeesh! You people are relentless about this show!
Why, though, that's the question, why don't I watch TV?
Simple, I just don't like it. Sure, there are some good shows on some of the cable channels that I find interesting, like Forensic Files, or The New Detectives, but really, I can get all that from all the true crime books I read. I hate sitcoms. I hate crappy acting, abysmal writing, piss-poor premises, unbelievable antics, badly researched shows "based on real events," I hate commercials...the list of things on TV that annoy me goes on and on. Reality TV is the worst offender. These are mediocre people with nothing at all interesting about them, but stick a camera up their ass and suddenly every one is convinced that they are fascinating. They're not. Paris Hilton, not interesting, not attractive, not worth all the time spent on her. You see, I like to see actors, that is, people who can act. There are precious few on TV. I like movies. If I get a movie and it's crap, I stop watching it, or, if I do plow through it, I've wasted maybe an hour and a half of my life, I don't go back and watch it again at the same time next week! And, if I want campy, kitschy pap, I can get that, too. I watch Ray Harryhausen movies, but I certainly don't try to convince myself or anyone else that they are "sooooo good!" Yes, I've given some shows a chance. I've watched at least one episode of all the permutations of CSI, even. How's that for masochism? It took me weeks to start speaking to myself again after that little exercise in self-punishment. For those of you who missed the memo: the show sucks ass. Much ass. Big hairy ass. Flabby ass of questionable cleanliness.
I could go on about this until my fingers bleed, but I'm going to stop now and bask in the waves of righteous indignation that will be rolling towards me from the 3 people who might ever actually read this. You see, since I don't watch TV, I have to get my entertainment by pissing off those of you who do. :P
*grin*
Allow me to retort. In actual fact, we have to mention this to you several times because you can't seem to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around what you saw on the Idiot Box last night. If we don't say "I don't watch TV," we'd have to have the following conversation every. God. Damned. Day.:
TV person: "Oh my god, did you see 24 last night?!?1!!11one!!!!eleventyone!"
Me: "No."
TV person: "Oh, let me tell you about it since you missed it, it was really good!"
Me: "No, really, that's okay."
TV person: "Oh, did you Tivo it?"
Me: "No."
TV person:"You really should have! Oh, did you catch the last episode of American Idol? Can you believe Skanky McTalentless didn't win that round? I mean, come on, she's such a sweetheart!"
Me: "No. Not, 'no I can't believe Tarty O'Caterwaul didn't win anything for her ululating rendition of some random bit of pop drivel,' but rather, 'no, I didn't catch that, or any other episode of American Idol, a show which should, by rights, only be popular with the sort of people who compete in karoake contests in bars attached to bowling alleys.'"
TV person: "]Random bit of nonesense delivered in crappy attempt at a British accent.]"
Me: *blank look with slight emphasis on the eyebrows that expresses a concern for TV person's mental health and a slight head tilt that offers to help them find a reputable counselor*
TV Person: "Uh, you don't watch Family Guy, either, huh?"
So, you see, we have to preempt the entire thing by telling you up front that we don't watch TV. Then, of course, we have to have THIS conversation with you:
Me: "I don't watch TV."
TV person: "What?"
Me: "I don't watch TV. I don't own one. Haven't had one in years."
TV person: "How do you liiiiiiiiivvvveeeeee?????!!!!11!!1!!one!!!1!!onethousandonehundredeleven!!!!!"
Me: "Uh, I live just fine."
TV person: "That's so weird...you should totally watch Family Guy, though, I have season one on DVD, I'll loan it to you."
Alright, already, I'll fucking watch some Family Guy, I will, really, it's on my list of things to do. Yeesh! You people are relentless about this show!
Why, though, that's the question, why don't I watch TV?
Simple, I just don't like it. Sure, there are some good shows on some of the cable channels that I find interesting, like Forensic Files, or The New Detectives, but really, I can get all that from all the true crime books I read. I hate sitcoms. I hate crappy acting, abysmal writing, piss-poor premises, unbelievable antics, badly researched shows "based on real events," I hate commercials...the list of things on TV that annoy me goes on and on. Reality TV is the worst offender. These are mediocre people with nothing at all interesting about them, but stick a camera up their ass and suddenly every one is convinced that they are fascinating. They're not. Paris Hilton, not interesting, not attractive, not worth all the time spent on her. You see, I like to see actors, that is, people who can act. There are precious few on TV. I like movies. If I get a movie and it's crap, I stop watching it, or, if I do plow through it, I've wasted maybe an hour and a half of my life, I don't go back and watch it again at the same time next week! And, if I want campy, kitschy pap, I can get that, too. I watch Ray Harryhausen movies, but I certainly don't try to convince myself or anyone else that they are "sooooo good!" Yes, I've given some shows a chance. I've watched at least one episode of all the permutations of CSI, even. How's that for masochism? It took me weeks to start speaking to myself again after that little exercise in self-punishment. For those of you who missed the memo: the show sucks ass. Much ass. Big hairy ass. Flabby ass of questionable cleanliness.
I could go on about this until my fingers bleed, but I'm going to stop now and bask in the waves of righteous indignation that will be rolling towards me from the 3 people who might ever actually read this. You see, since I don't watch TV, I have to get my entertainment by pissing off those of you who do. :P
*grin*
9 Comments:
You know what? Last nights episode of 24 really wasn't all that great anyway. An hour with a decades old issue of Reader's Digest would have held as many surprises and yielded as much excitement as the episode did. Sad. How I miss Reader's Digest on the back of grandmothers toilet. That was always an hour well spent. WARNING: Jumping tracks now! Congratulations on the birth of your son. I am quite sure it is an absolute wonder the amount of joy and suffering one little bundle such as that can bring.
I don't watch T.V. either. You're right I do feel compelled to bring it up in every conversation and blog comment.
My 54 year old mother laments the loss of good conversation. She's surrounded by women who only read tabloids and view crappy television. No current event talk, no political discussions, nothing but trite meaningless nonsense and copious Oprah quotes. bleah
Kevin:
Is it Grandmother Law that there must be at least five copies of Reader's Digest slowly curling and yellowing on the back of the toilet? I always read all the jokes at the back of each story first, inadvertently reading the last paragraph of the story, thus missing out on the excitment of discovering the suprise twist ending where everything turned out okay in the end thanks to the power of love and good manners!
And, thanks for the congrats, it has been wonderful and terrifying and worth every minute of lost sleep.
elasticwaistbandlady:
I am so glad to know I'm not alone! It's weird, sometimes it seems like us non-TV watchers are in a secret cult. I've noticed that often people who I know don't have TV will still smile, nod and go right along with the TV person's conversation about last night's gripping cliffhangers, as if they normally watched it, but were somehow so wrapped up in reading their new issue of Star and following K-Fed and the Brit's latest drama, that they just happened to miss the show. It's like a secret shame.
But, yes, I do miss good conversation. Or even funny conversation where both parties are making up their own lines. *sigh*
Yes, it is Grandmother Law, probably contained in the Unofficial Never-To-Be-Discussed Grandmother Handbook. All bathrooms must contain at least one of the following: Grossly outdated Reader's Digest, Mostly completed Crossword Puzzle Books, Catalogs of Victorian style lamps and nightgowns adorned with quotes from the Bible or Multiple bags of potpourri competing to be the dominant smell of smells in a room that already harbors too many.
This very same handbook also contains instructions on how to properly spoil Grandchildren as well as advice on and variations of the favorite Grandmother question of all ... "When are you having a baby?" (Always posed mere moments after a couple says 'I do' and sometimes even before the couple has made it back down the aisle) And for me the extra bonus question, "You are going to have a son to carry on the family name, right?" As if I have a choice. I love you Grandma, but I can only do so much!
As for the original intent of your post, I find that I watch very little TV these days. I of course have my required viewing, but I find that the required viewing is more and more about very specific quality storylines that actually contain not only good acting and directing, but plots that are creative, well thought out and keep the audience guessing. Otherwise, it's a cooking show because I love to cook and I have only recently really gotten completely into it.
And the thankful side effect of watching less is that I am reading a lot more these days. My wife and I have a wonderful thing we do, where we alternate books and read to each other as often as we can. In the car, at home in bed before sleep. She picks a book, we read it, then I pick a book and we read it. I love this system, because I have read a few books now that I may not have otherwise chosen to read on my own. It's a lot of fun!
Take care.
Kevin we do the same thing with books! It's nice to see that someone else does it, since normally we get funny looks when we admit that we read to each other.
By the way, I don't think I ever got a chance to say congratulations to you on getting married. (Now, go have that grandson for your poor grandma, would you :P).
Seriously though, you SHOULD watch Family Guy. You'd love that show. It's the drunken bastard son of the Simpsons.
ok i know i asked you all the time if you've seen arested development or family guy but it's not because i've forgotten that you don't have a tv or anything... i NEVER watch TV on tv... TVDs people! comercials suck ass and scheduling your life around when a certain tv show is on is... uh... i can't think of the word. ANYway. cut us TV watchers some slack! not all of us glue our faces to the idiot box every night after work! and besides, i hate that feeling when a movie is over and you really fell in love with it but it's done and you just have to move on.. :-(
you find a good show like the sopranos and you don't have to give up your favorite mob bosses to the infinite abyss for a good 'nother ... lets see, 12 hours a season, 5 seasons... 60 hours! yay!
:-D
p.s. i HATE CSI with a PASSION. as chief wiggum said about it's cinematic style: all flash with no substance.
not to mention no story, character, or plot even reMOTELY believable
I like some television, but I'm certainly not going to try to evangelize the shows I like to people who don't want to watch them. If I'm going to talk about television, more likely I'll gripe about how "reality" television (which is false advertising if the quote marks are missing) has replaced scripted television. Sure, a lot of writing is crap, but even a so-so television writer tells a better story than a bunch of fame vampires playing through some contrived situation with cameras rolling.
Movies rule, however.
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