I don't really know how to say this, and I am having a lot of trouble talking about it out loud, so I'm turning to this neglected blog to get it out. For those few of you who may read this who don't already know, I got pregnant a few months ago. I am 17 weeks and 4 days along right now, and my baby would have been due October 27th. But it's dead. Since my last appointment at 13 weeks, just after we saw that amazing first ultrasound of his or her little arms and legs wiggling and squirming, that tiny heart beating, the baby just stopped growing, stopped living. We don't know why yet. Hopefully we'll have some sort of answer soon. We don't even know if it was a boy or a girl. We'd planned on naming a boy Alexander and a girl Eve, but we'd started considering Alexandra, so we're just calling the baby Little Alex. We are going in tomorrow morning to have the D&E and I will never even see Alex. We had a barrage of ultrasounds yesterday but I never got to get a good look at my baby's face. Alex was just so small. So still.

To those of you who have sent me such kind messages, good thoughts, and prayers, I want to say thank you. It has meant more to me than I thought possible just to know that there are people out there, many who barely know me, who were thinking of us. It may be a while before I can bring myself to get back to you directly, but please know how much I appreciate your kindness.

I never, in my whole life, thought that I would ever become a decent housekeeper, but apparently I have and that's unfortunate. Right now I just really need to clean things. I have already scrubbed the bathroom, but the kitchen is already pretty squeaky clean, and there just isn't much else to be done. Maybe I'll clean the windows. Or maybe I'll just sit here for a while.

Thomas has been so amazing. He was such a good boy all day yesterday, even though he spent most of the day trapped with us in various waiting rooms, exam rooms, and triage rooms, mostly waiting for doctors and nurses. So much waiting. He was an angel and a welcome and beautiful distraction from why we were there. Rob and I are so lucky to have him.

I have so much I want to say, to get out, but I can't right now. I just need to get up, move, clean something, fold something, wait for Thomas to wake up from his nap. Rob is napping with him; we were up pretty late last night, drinking wine and watching stupid movies. I can't nap, though, I can't lay down.